


Not Now, Not Ever

by firstdegreefangirl



Category: Scrubs
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Perry really loves JD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, seriously, this has more angst than a 13 year old girl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 06:52:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4091164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstdegreefangirl/pseuds/firstdegreefangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JDs past comes back to haunt him in the form of vivid nightmares. He'll do anything to keep from bothering Perry. Until he can't hide it anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well. This happened. I'm sorry. It was inspired by a work I read ((I don't remember which one it was or who wrote it.)) Basically, JD's uncle raped him when he was little then came back to visit. 
> 
> Don't read this if you're squeamish. It gets progressively more graphic and the chapters progressively longer. I'm posting the whole thing at once, as six chapters for the sake of continuity. 
> 
> I don't know what deep dark recesses of my mind this came from, but I got the idea and it wouldn't go away. Here, in all their unbetaed glory, are the fruits of my labors.
> 
> I own nothing but a MacBook.

_All I can see is that monster getting closer and closer. I know he won’t stop until he gets what he wants.  It’s not like I can hold him back; I’m only seven. He knows I’m helpless against him. What makes this worse is that he knows how much I trust him. Why shouldn’t I? What kind of sick bastard would do this to a kid? I’m too young to understand._

My eyes snap open and I can feel my pulse quicken. I want nothing more than to shower, to scrub my skin raw of the memories; I can’t without waking Perry up. I want him to hold me; I can’t without telling him what happened. And I can never tell anyone what happened. _Look what happened when I tried to tell Mom. She thought spending more time with him would teach me that he could be trusted, that he was safe._

I blink back the tears as I roll over and fall back into a fitful, restless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_“No! Don’t!” I’m 11 now, old enough to resist his advances. But not strong enough to keep him away for long. I know now what he’s doing, but I can’t tell anyone.  He’s holding me down now, really has to work at it too. One might think that would take some of the fun out of it for him, but no. He seems to like it even more now.  My shirt is off and his hand is down my pants._

__

_“It’s okay, Johnny. I love you. You want to be treated like a grown-up? Well, this is how grown-ups show that they love each other. I. Love. You.” He strokes me in time with his words. I’m not enjoying this, I won’t enjoy this. I’m fighting against his holds, trying in vain to get free from his grip when suddenly, he lets go._

__

As I am forced back into consciousness, my entire body spasms under the force with which dream-JD was fighting. The mattress shakes and I feel Perry stir next to me.

Damn. Now I’m conflicted.

Part of me knows that he has to be at the hospital in five hours for an 18-hour shift. The bigger part, the part that Perry calls “girlish” just wants him to comfort me, to kiss the pain away. I spent years trying to escape him, it wasn’t until I had Perry in my life that I was finally able to get away.

**  
** _He’s sleeping again. I guess I’ll leave him be. Another long night won’t kill me. God knows the first thousand haven’t._


	3. Chapter 3

_This time, I’m crying. As if this wasn’t already hard enough for me, now I can’t even maintain a shred of dignity. It’s not enough that this creep has to do this to me, now I have to cry about it too? Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m not a man. Maybe I really am just his little bitch. 13-year-olds don’t cry. But most 13-year-olds don’t get treated like this._

__ _“Hey! You pay attention! If I’m gonna give you the attention you want, you better damn well appreciate it!” He yanks me hard as my mind begins to wander, to recede into itself and try to escape this cruel reality._

The yelp isn’t only in my dream. Instantly, I clamp a hand over my mouth and stare at Rowdy across the room.

_Think he’ll notice, Rowd?_ He does. Well, sort of. Perry doesn’t really wake up, but as I lay back down, he pulls me in close.

I wrap my arm around his torso and hold on for dear life as I fight the demons lurking right behind my eyelids. At least if Perry’s there, I have a fighting chance.


	4. Chapter 4

_It’s getting worse. He gets off on fucking my mouth now. And it’s not like I can do anything about it. What am I gonna do? Bite it off? Yeah, right. I can’t even imagine what he would do to me then. He’s already left enough bruises, none where they’re visible, even in the locker room, of course._

_I gag as he shoves in further than he has before._

_“Now, this simply won’t work. You have to know how to deepthroat if you want to be my bitch. That’s what you want, right? You want to be my good little bitch. Now suck.” He punctuates his demand with another stab at my uvula._

_I obey, letting the tears fall silently as I gasp for breath around him._

“AUGH!” Dream me shoves hard, and he falls to the side. My eyes open and I sit up sharply, gasping for breath.

“JD?” Perry’s sleep-rough voice breaks through the thoughts racing through my mind, bringing me back to the present.

“Perry.” I don’t ask anything of him, his presence is enough.

“JD? It’s-” he pauses, “three forty-seven in the morning. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I just- it’s nothing, alright? I’m fine, Per. Let’s just go back to bed.” I make a show of lying down under the covers again, rolling over like I’m going to sleep.

Perry sighs behind me and I feel the bed sink as he lies down again. He slides an arm across my torso and pulls me tight against him. _As long as I have him, the bastard can’t get to me._

 


	5. Chapter 5

_“What is it? Don’t you like sucking me off?” he shoves me roughly onto the bed, though at least this time he’s acknowledging my protests._

_“You know, if you don’t like this, we could do something else. Would you like that, John? Would you like to do something else?” I’m not sure what the right answer is; I just sit there, stunned._

_“I suppose, if you really wanted to try something new… you’ve never had anything up your asshole, have you? God, I bet you’re so tight. Would feel so good around me.”_

_Now I know how to react. I shake my head violently, opening my mouth to scream. “N-”_

_He cuts me off, filling my mouth with the raw taste of him._

“NO!” I scream, thrashing as I wake abruptly. “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“JD?” I’m breathing too hard to even answer Perry. Swinging my feet over the side of the bed, I tuck my head between my knees and focus on breathing steadily.

_In… Out… In… Out…_

The bed dips beside me as Perry kneels and begins rubbing my back.

“Hey, hey now. You’re okay. Whatever it was, it’s gone now. Easy there, Newbie. It’s gone now. I’m here. It’s gone now.”

_No it isn’t Perry. It’s never gone. He’s never gone. He waits for me, don’t you get it? Every time I close my eyes, there he is. Waiting for me._

But I can’t tell him that.

“It’s- it’s fine. I’m fine. Perry, I’m okay.” I’m breathing more evenly now, so it’s at least partly true.

“You sure, JD?”

“Yeah. Let’s just get some sleep.”

This time I nestle into his chest. Even though, “I do nawt “cuddle,” Newbie,” his strong arms circle me and he gently rubs circles into my back as the darkness crawls back over me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. This one's a doozy.

_“Johnny. JOHNNY. I want you to feel this. Feel it as I press into you. This. This right here. This is what love feels like. I love you, Johnny. I. Love. You. God, so tight. I knew it. I knew you’d be tight. Urgh, feels so good, Johnny. You’re so good.”_

_He forces his way past the tight ring of muscle focused only on keeping him out. In the back of my mind, I know that fighting it will only make it hurt worse, but I can’t just let him do this. I have to at least try to stop him._

_“No! Stop! STOP!” I’m screaming now, my voice raw. But it’s not like anyone will hear. He only does this when no one is home now. Now that I’m old enough to really fight back. How he always knows when I’m alone is beyond me, but I try not to think about it._

_“Scream all you want. No one’s gonna come to your rescue. You don’t have a superhero. Just take it, like a man.” he’s really thrusting now and I don't’ know what to do._

_So I take it._

_If this is what being a man is, do I really want to be this way?_

“GET OFF ME!” this time as I sit up, a sob breaks in my chest.

Suddenly, I don’t know what’s happening. I’m crying; that much I’m sure of. But the room is spinning and my chest feels tight. If I don’t get this under control soon, I know I’ll pass out.

_C’mon JD. In… Out… In… Out…_

This time, I can’t control it.

“JD? JD. JD!” I can hear Perry, distantly. He sounds far away. _I wish I could be far away._

He’s kneeling in front of me on the bed now.

“JD? Sweetheart? Look at me. Can you look at me? Look at my eyes.” Perry wraps his hands around my wrists, thumbs stroking the veins he finds there. I lift my head to meet his eyes.

“Just focus on me. Focus on my eyes, okay? Can you breathe for me? Breathe with me, JD.” Perry starts to exaggerate his breathing, giving me a rhythm to follow.

Slowly, I settle into it, but I can’t control the sobs. My entire body convulses as I fight for air. Perry slips one hand under my chin, even as the other continues rubbing my wrist. He lifts my chin, and makes my eyes meet his. I didn’t even realize my chin dropped again. _It’s not like I_ like _him watching me cry._

Perry leans in, trying to kiss the tears away; I duck my head, rejecting his affection. _I just can’t take that right now._

“Perry-” my breath hitches on the edge of a sob.

“It’s okay, JD. Don’t talk. Just breathe.” He shifts to sit beside me and pulls me into his lap. This, I don’t resist.

I burrow my head into his neck and continue sobbing.

One hand starts massaging circles into my upper back as the other wraps around my hip, thumb stroking the firm bone found there.

I’m starting to come back to Earth now, back to Perry. My sobbing becomes heavy breathing, but the tears stop.

“You wanna tell me what this is all about?”

“No.” I sniff. “I just wan’ you to help me.”

“Well, sweetheart, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what the problem is.” _Damn it, he has a point._

“It’s my uncle Art.”

“What about him? He’s certainly got you worked up.”

“When- when I was little, he’d come over, when no one was around, or he’d offer to babysit me. My mom was always happy to have someone around to help out, a “positive male influence” for me and Dan. He took it upon himself to teach me what “love” was, the perverted bastard.” I feel Perry’s arms tighten around me as he puts together the parts of the story I’m not telling. I press my face back into his clavicle as my breathing goes rough again.

“JD? Did he- did Art- abuse you? Touch you?”

I nod against him.

“And you’re having nightmares about it?”

I nod again.

“JD, did you ever tell anyone?”

Suddenly I’m angry. 16 years of pent up rage all hits the surface at once. I pull away from Perry and look him in the eye.

“Who could I tell? Perry, it was the ‘90s! ‘Rape culture’ didn’t exist! It wasn’t like I could go join a support group or something. NO ONE WOULD HAVE BELIEVED ME.”

“Oh-kay. Easy there. How long has it been?”

“16 years since he started, eight since he stopped.”

“And the nightmares?”

“Three weeks.”

“JD, why didn’t you say anything? Sweetheart, I would have helped you.”

“Please.” I’m begging, not arguing.

“Would you like to find a support group? You can still press charges against Art.”

“No. I can’t. That’s just it.”

“What do you mean? JD, the statute of limitations is still in effect.”

“He died. Right before the nightmares came back. He died and I never did anything. I never got to say my piece to him.” It’s all I can do to not lash out at Perry again. Or start sobbing again. I’m not sure which would be worse.

“Well then my dear friend Satan will take care of him. JD, he’s gone now. He can’t get to you. Even if he tried to, he’d have to get through me. I’m here for you. JD. I. Will. Protect. You. No matter what.” Perry presses his lips to the top of my head. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep again tonight? We can both call in tomorrow, talk through some of this more seriously in the light of day.

“Okay. Promise you won’t leave?” We lie back down; I’m curled against Perry’s chest and he’s holding me protectively. My eyelids grow heavy and I hear his response as I’m dragged back into sleep.

**“Not now, Newbie. Not ever.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's that. Again, I'm sorry for this, my mind wouldn't let go of the idea.
> 
> Please feel free to leave me a comment questioning my sanity. If I get enough, I'll start a club.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review! Constructive criticism is welcome, but be nice. I'm emotionally fragile


End file.
